My journey in learning to nurture the power of you

In the month of May, I did not spend one single day alone outside of work until the 30th. Within those 30 days, I took four trips across seven cities and two countries (Okay. I drove six hours to Canada). I was on the road consecutively for 13 of those days, spending time in NYC, Raleigh, and New Orleans for a mix of fun, work, and some fun work. The most exhilarating and equally exhausting aspect of my month was a leadership development institute called StartingBloc.

StartingBloc is, at its most vague, a 5-day personal and professional leadership development intensive. But I think it’s best described by a Fellow from the cohort, Krystal Beachum, who says StartingBloc is “focused on cultivating leadership that is more courageous, inclusive, and connected.” By investing in people, StartingBloc believes “we might accelerate the pace of cultural shift towards a more life sustaining, thriving world.” People come to StartingBloc for a variety of reasons, whether those be to build connections and skills in support of a business venture, develop their capacity as a stronger leader within their organization, or, as was the case for me, assess the next step in their careers. In particular, I’ve had a historic struggle in finding purpose in my work and transitioning into a career that has more positive impact in our society.

I’ve never actually known what I’ve wanted to do “when I grow up”. (There was a brief period of time where I wanted to go into genetics, but I was swiftly brought back to reality upon narrowly avoiding a D in my intro-level college bio course.) There was no desire to be rich, or own a company; nor was there an idea of what I saw myself doing when I was 55. There was just the drive that I wanted to help people or work closely with people to leave some kind of small but positive impact on the world in which we live. But this felt so big. You can help people in millions of ways. How do I even start to decipher which way would be mine?

I graduated from Loyola University Chicago bursting at the seams to live out their mantra “go forth and set the world on fire”, settling into a career in digital marketing. I loved the interconnectedness and globalization of the world through digital platforms and it felt like a good place to start my journey. I quickly found that there was an immeasurable gap between my classroom experience and industry realities. I felt clueless in how to marry the two - let alone how to mold an entry-level job into building a successful and meaningful career driven by passion. I left Loyola feeling ill-prepared in being able to navigate that journey. I found myself sucked into the day to day which brought on a ‘mid-20s funk’. Even with different roles within my company and volunteering at wonderful organizations in my spare time I still felt that I was lacking passion, long-term satisfaction, and skills. I’ve convinced myself more times than I’d like to admit that finding impactful, passion-filled work while also making a living didn’t seem to exist for me. My life felt very churn and burn. Needless to say, when I finally got to StartingBloc, I was exhausted, terrified, hopeful, and ready for some kind of challenge to alter my direction.

I could dedicate multiple posts to my overall experience at StartingBloc. But as I sat down to try to write out and process how I was feeling over the past since attending the institute, I began flipping through my notes. Each institute covers a multitude of things from polarity mapping (how to tangibly deal with and digest traits of yourself that are at odds with each other), human-centered design, identity, etc. But I couldn’t seem to turn past the second page which read:

“What’s my purpose?”

It was *the* question I had come there to answer. And I had hoped StartingBloc would provide some part of that answer. But the long and short of it is this: While I had hoped for a nudge, or at least the tools to begin living a more purposeful life through my profession, what I ultimately ended up experiencing was intense, foundation-shaking personal development. Some of them I’m not ready to share, but here are a few things I learned throughout my experience:

You are enough as you are.

Shantae J. Edwards kicked off day 1 of our institute with a discussion around the concept of being “enough” and also DOPE (her brand and movement “Dreaming Of Possibilities Everyday”) – the power of why your truth and existence matter, and how they’re integral to your development and the impact you can make in the world.

Professionally, I had all of these ideas and emotions I wanted to flush out: guest blogging, blogging topics and having corresponding interviews or podcasts to dive further, learning up on creative skills to start freelancing, starting HONY part two – just kidding.

But I couldn’t move past these words: “You have to live your truth – believe it. You are enough. Be confident in you. You have. To believe it. First.”

I am the queen of coming up with creative ideas or fun things I’d like to do and simultaneously shutting them down because I believe I’m not “creative enough”. Or “well-enough equipped”. Or that someone can do it better. Or that no one actually wants to see these things. Or *insert any other excuse for my lack of “enoughness” here*. A lot of my life has been built on achieving what I thought “enough” looked like (and then some). In this process, I have realized that the simple act of declaring “I am enough” takes some of that weight off. But MAN - was even getting the courage to say that sentence hard to do.

In writing this entire piece over the past two and a half months, I have told myself no less than 10 times that no one actually wants to read this (This in itself is a lie. My parents will always read my stuff. Hey guys! #readershipoftwo) This concept, though, is still very much a work in progress. It’s the slowing down and the loving assessment of self that has prompted the growing confidence in accepting how I was created and that there is a reason for the way that I am and the emotions in which I feel. I believe that the better I get at reinforcing this idea in myself, the sooner I can start to build a foundation on it and step into what it means to be me and act on it.

You don’t have to (and you cannot) solve all your issues at once.

Over the past two years, I’ve experienced a lot of “paralysis by analysis” - overthinking a career move or situation so much that I neglect making a decision one way or another. It’s the collision of recognizing the need for self work, wanting to move forward in my career but feeling like there’s too many options to make a decision, and also feeling the burden that I should be pivoting towards a role or career that can be more impactful. There are too many choices, too many consequences, and too many uncertainties that I developed a discouraged mindset that “I just can’t seem to tackle any of it right now.”

Acknowledging that I can’t solve things overnight relieved me of some pressure. I started focusing on what seemed like basic or mundane things that kept me building discipline and that I could count as “small wins”: Prepping meals. Being active or working out 4-5 times a week. Getting a good night’s sleep. Going to church. Finishing this blog post and NOT feeling like it needs to be perfect. Reading more content about personal development and just taking it as it comes. Not pressuring myself to wonder ‘what on earth am I possibly going to do with this?!?!?!’

I’m currently reading “The Defining Decade” – a book my mom shared with me on how to tackle this paralysis and how to take advantage of your 20s, knowing they set the stage for your 30s and 40s. It’s incredible. It might as well have been written for me. I’ve decided that finishing this book and sitting with how it makes me feel is enough for right now. A small win on the journey towards greater personal and (hopefully) professional development. Find the little things you can focus on and be present. It’s a marathon, not a sprint (It should be noted, however, that you will never see me run a physical marathon. Don’t @ me.)

It takes a lot of discipline, determination, and self care to balance this journey.

It has become abundantly clear that you can’t shortcut getting to the good part of defining or living your purpose. It requires deep and intense self work. It requires a commitment and dedication to honing in on your sense of self. There is a strong power of self care in this. I actively had to rest for almost six weeks (!!!!) to restore my mental and emotional capacities following three weeks on the road. I had to actively choose not to try solve all of the thoughts/issues/reflections that came up for me during my three weeks away – because I simply did not have the capacity to digest them. As an extrovert, I couldn’t believe the rest I needed. I had to redefine what self care looked like in my life. It moved from time with friends, drinks, activities in the city, and an on-the-go lifestyle to dedicated time in solitude, meditation, books, being outdoors, and working out regularly. Now, I’m not saying everyone should take on monk-like tendencies, but being able to be alone with my thoughts and emotions and just letting them exist had a huge positive effect on how I was able to digest, grow, and communicate my experiences a few weeks later. Because I so deeply desired to start diving into the personal topics that came up for me, I had to dedicate myself to the act of self care. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

It’s very possible you won’t ever feel like you’ve found your "entire life's purpose". That doesn’t mean you can’t find purpose in your Now.

To be honest with you, one of my greatest fears is rooted in the idea of purpose. I am terrified of not finding my purpose, so much so that I force myself into a constant state of "looking for my purpose". I am always chasing something which, of course, has to be bigger, more meaningful, or of greater value than what I'm doing now. I continue to run and run and run. I keep running, that is, until I am exhausted. Until I am lost.

Up until this point, I have frequently struggled to rewrite the narrative in my head that I am in charge of everything that happens to me throughout my life. Part of this, for me, has a faith aspect. I have to remember that, while I am in charge of myself and my actions, my faith calls me to also trust in my Creator. I wholeheartedly believe I went to StartingBloc, met an incredible cohort, was challenged, had breakthroughs, etc. at a specific time in my life for a definitive reason. While I don’t know the overarching purpose and what my journey may look like in a year, five years, twenty years,... I do know that I can appreciate what I have learned now, and I can alter my perspective to try finding purpose and meaning within what I’m involved in right now. And while I find the focus, perspective, and value of being in my present circumstances, my friend (and brilliant speaker/writer/women’s workplace advocate) Lelia Gowland has introduced me to what she calls “seeker mode” - taking time to discover yourself, your strengths, and passions, and educate yourself on potential directions you may want to move towards.

Recently I’ve tried to come up with a word that can help shape my goals I have for the upcoming year instead of a New Year’s resolution. My word of 2018 is ‘nourishment’. As someone who is historically focused on how I move in the world in the context of others, it felt time to challenge myself with trying to become more selfish in deciding what I should commit my time to. This centered primarily around things that contributed to a healthier me, first. The end purpose is to try to cultivate a stronger voice and the ability to listen to myself and my needs. So I ask myself: Is [insert activity here] going to nourish me in a mental, physical, or emotional sense? Even if it seems difficult (I was terrified of applying to StartingBloc), I try to trust my gut and take the leap. High risk (can) = high reward.

In reflection, I’m choosing to start small. And with my blinders on. I came across a quote via Nancy Beach, who is well-known for her work in ministry within the Chicago community. It’s given me modest yet stable confidence to move forward in the journey to find more positive impact in my career, even if it’s at one baby step at a time.

“Whatever palette we are most gifted to use… words and stories, images and painting, video, lighting, dance, music, or technical arts… we are called to be agents of wonder and hope.”

I find this comforting regardless of whether you practice faith, or just believe in the idea of global community and the universal connection we all share through existence.

As I conclude this reflection, some words from Shantae felt apropos:

“Remember to practice forgiveness. Allow room for failure. And re-introduce yourself to you. The world needs you to stand in your truth.”

This post isn’t perfect. StartingBloc isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect. No one journey is perfect. What is perfect is the realization of this, along with the desire to work towards loving ourselves and our world a little better. And the the latter is unlocked once you are.

HUGE thank you to my incredibly thoughtful and intelligent editors (and fellow StartingBloc cohorts) in this process: Kay Nadalin, Sharree Walls, Joyell Arvella, Kelsey Krach, and (indirect editor) Lelia Gowland. Thank you for your affirmation, honesty, and kind words to help bolster my courage to put this out there.